You'll often be scrolling through an endless barrage of short attention-span videos when you see her. She'll speak in a half-condescending, half-cutesy voice, fluctuating between the two depending on who her words are directed towards. She'll often have an unmistakable glint in her eye suggesting that she's driven by an ulterior motive, and she'll say things like, "oh, I didn't know you were inviting her! She'll reek, unimaginably, of both an inferiority & a superiority complex simultaneously, constantly trying to one-up the listener by bringing up inside-jokes that they don't know about. In the comment section of such videos, there will be a crowd of other women relishing in their collective hatred of this made-up woman, often relating it to someone they might know. And so an exaggerated, misogynistic, made-up caricature of an insecure, competitive, jealous woman will evoke very real feelings of insecurity, jealousy & competition in real young women.
Such is the role of the female best-friend. Irrespective of whichever social media platform you're on, it feels impossible to escape her shenanigans and what women in straight relationships think of her— you'll often see tweets saying, “you're not a girl’s girl if you don't step back once your male friend is in a relationship”, or videos in which influencers rate red flags and place having a female best friend as one of the worst traits their boyfriends can have. According to the people often partaking in this trend, romantic relationships should always be prioritized over platonic friendships, straight men are somehow never friends with gay men— and if they are, these men are not as conniving, calculative, or catty as their straight female counterparts are, and trust in a relationship is earned by letting their female friends down gently and letting them know that their main priority, always, should be the romantic partner.
This narrative goes beyond villainizing the girl best-friend. For her to succeed in her scheming antics, there also needs to be an equally insecure, possessive girlfriend in her vicinity. She has to have little trust in her relationship, believing that anyone can drive a wedge in her perfect little romance. Tame and timid, she often has to be taken aback by her opponent’s unprovoked attacks, and has to have nothing to say. [That is, until she gets to the comment section of one of these videos, where she will indulge in a lot of horrid name-calling, violent fantasies, and the worst of all: public humiliation—a hundred likes and I'll tag her!]
But where does the man fit into this equation? What role does he play? The self-proclaimed “sensible” partakers of this trend will immediately jump to the best-friend’s defense [or something that vaguely resembles it] by attacking him instead. You don't understand that the man is the problem here! In their opinion, it's the male partner's fault for not drawing a boundary between him & his female-best friend. He, like any reasonable person, should be aware of the notion that the partner should always be a priority, and his platonic friendships should always take a backseat. Only when he has done this, and has shifted the entire emotional weight of his connection and attachment needs onto his partner’s shoulders, will the conversation move to a different, seemingly disconnected topic— why are men so limited in their expression and intimacy? Why don't they have more fulfilling friendships? Why do they not have an emotional support system?
Certain people, at this point, will say that they don't believe that platonic friendships are inherently less valuable. But can't the man just be friends with other men? This begs the question— how much of this entire tirade is about traditional sexuality and gender role enforcement more than any kind of a relationship debate? What about bi or pan men? What about agender, genderfluid, or non-binary friends? Where does the line begin, and where will it end?
Another question is the inclusion of feminism in this stereotype, which has lately become something so sinister that it cannot be named— we have to call it being a girl's girl now. Ignoring the fact that we've reduced feminism to something exclusive to girls, and to something that's more of a cute, repackaged “bro-code” instead of a socio-political movement, there's no concealing the fact that this spectacle teaches young, impressionable women to hate each other. It also says that a woman's role in a man’s life is to be his primary romantic partner— because her value and worth does not lie in being a friend.
I know the reactions to this will be mixed. I know some will call this an exaggeration, echoing what has now become a standardized response for any kind of cultural criticism these days— it's not that deep! I know some of you might agree with me, and others will not. I don't know what to say to the ones who will disagree with me any more than what I have said already.
But I do know one thing. I know that no healthy relationship is based on a lack of trust, or a foundation of sacrificing other connections. And I know that friendship is sacred and that it saves lives, irrespective of whichever gender it comes from. I know I owe a lot to all my friends of varying genders— and I would like to live in a world where everyone gets to experience the magic of a life-changing friendship, in the same ways that I have been privileged enough to.
So so well written!